Ah, Catholic grammar school, or so it was called back in the day. We’re talking grades one through eight here, so neither elementary nor middle school would have made much sense.
For eight long years, St. Augustine School and the Sisters of Saint Joseph messed with my head, but I fought back. They forced me to sit for ungodly lengths of time, so I wriggled in my chair, made faces, launched cheek-lifting farts, threw spit balls, and all the while hoping not to get caught (something I had no great success at). When it was hot inside the classroom – even hotter clad in a white shirt, maroon tie, and grey wool pants – and you asked if you could grab a quick drink of water, this was your reward: “Sit down, Robert. You’ll get a drink when we all get one.”
Even today there are many things about school and education in general that I would describe as arbitrary, pointless, or even dumb, but nothing will ever be quite the same as a Catholic school upbringing during my era: 1956 – 1964, to be exact. Elvis Presley ushering us in, the Beatles serenading us out the door and on to new adventures.
Since sharing a Catholic school education would fill a book and this is just a blog, let’s pay a brief visit to Sister Catherine Agnes’s third grade class. There I am, cute as a button but already feisty, sitting in the row nearest the wall of windows, about five or six seats back from the front. Here, as in all twenty-four St. Augustine School classrooms, religion was taught during first period. That’s because the nuns wanted your mind as free of distraction as possible as they poured forth their teachings, much of it sauce-spoiling propaganda.
We were well into the school year when Sister launched an extended lesson on the differences between mortal and venial sins. Make no mistake – you had to confess them all, but there was nary a second to waste if you even suspected a mortal sin had darkened your soul. If you died without having confessed it, there would literally be hell to pay.
I loved Catherine Agnes, to be clear. She was as sweet and cool as a nun could be. But on this particular day, her temper flared, and viperous words erupted, with poor Kathleen Brancati the object of her sudden wrath. Kathleen, you see, was struggling to wrap her brain around how the whole mortal vs. venial sin thing as it applied to stealing. The rest of us either got it or no longer gave a shit, so we remained silent. Kathleen? She was single-minded in her pursuit of clarity and there was no turning back, as you’ll see.
Sister: Kathleen, dear. Are you getting this now?
Kathleen: I think so, Sister.
Sister: Okay, then can you please explain the difference to me and your classmates?
Kathleen: Uh, could you go first, Sister?
Sister (shaking her head in that “lost cause” kind of way): Fine, let’s go over this just one more time. As I’ve been saying, it’s not always the amount of cash or goods you steal that matters. Let’s say someone steals a penny from a poor person or takes money from the Saint Vincent de Paul collection box. What would that be?
Kathleen: A mortal sin?
Sister: Very good, and please don’t be shy with your answers. Speak right up. (I didn’t see the expression in Sister’s eyes as she spoke…I was way too busy rolling mine.)
Kathleen: I think I’m getting the hang of this!
Sister: I’d like to believe that, dear, really I would. But first, can you tell me when stealing is a venial sin?
Kathleen: Uh, you know, when it’s something that didn’t cost much and no one really needs, or such a small amount of money that they won’t even know it’s gone.
Sister: Well, at least you’re on the right track. But now, let me make this even clearer, and that goes for all of you. It’s a venial sin when you steal cash or an item that’s priced at under $5. But, once it’s $5 or more in cash or goods, that is a mortal sin, and that has very serious consequences. (My radar shot through the ceiling with that bit of bullshit…even in 3rd grade, I knew she was pulling this one out of her ass just to get on to the next lesson.)
Kathleen: Do you mean all at once?
Sister: All at once what?
Kathleen: Well, what if I go to the grocery store five days in a row, and time steal something that costs one dollar each time I’m there. Does that mean that, after five days, I’ve committed a mortal sin? (None of us had heard the word “apoplectic” up to that point in our lives, but as I look back on it, Sister Catherine Agnes was just that, and to the nth degree.)
Sister: Kathleen, have you not heard anything I’ve said?! Are you utterly incapable of learning? For the absolute last time, NO, five venial sins do not make a mortal sin. You have to steal one item of $5 or more for it to count as a mortal sin. (By logical extension, she also was saying you could steal cash or goods valued at $4.99 or less every day for the rest of your life and have nothing to worry about come Judgement Day. But steal one thing, and one thing only in your life that happens to be at or above the $5 mark, and adios pal, you’re burnt toast.)
Predictably, Kathleen sobbed in her state of public humiliation while wondering what indeed prevented her from grasping such a seemingly simple, straightforward concept.
And yet, to this day, I give her high marks for the courage it took to challenge such a stupid lesson in the wages of sin. Maybe Catherine Agnes really believed her tripe, and maybe not. But she sure as hell sold it like she owned it and never once recanted her story.
As for me, I wanted to push the envelope a little further by asking if the dollar amount that separated mortal from venial sin included sales tax, but I didn’t dare.