Mystery Dumb Ass

If someone exerted all their influence to land me a job as a detective, I doubt I’d make it through the first day before getting my dumb ass fired.

That’s partly based on my persistent inability to figure out who did what to whom in a mystery movie or novel. Remember The Sixth Sense with Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment? My wife and I saw it with no prior knowledge of the story line, much less the outcome. She figured out the whole thing within the first five minutes whereas I’m still working on it.  We haven’t spoken since.

Then comes reality TV which I almost never watch but have made the “rare” exception for Mystery Diners.  All along I was convinced (because I wanted to be convinced) that while the exchanges between host Charles Stiles and his aggrieved restaurateur clients were hideously scripted and acted out, the stories and employees were real.

Until, that is, I watched two more reruns just the other day, both more ridiculous than ever. So absurd, in fact, that even my little “I’ll believe anything” brain began stirring and pushed me to check things out on Google.

Surprise, surprise.  Most of the show’s bad guys and even some of the restaurant owners are paid actors. How did I not see that before? Like, why in the Wide, Wide World of Sports would a real employee ever sign a release, thus allowing their name and image to be bandied about while jeopardizing all hope of landing a new job in their chosen field? They wouldn’t.

Anyway, now that I’ve seen the light of day, I need to vent.  What better way than to present my spin on the kind of Mystery Diner episode I only wish would air.  The kind even I would scoff at.

The Premise

Luigi Greco, owner of the Limp Noodle Italian restaurant, contacted Mystery Diners’ super sleuth Charles Stiles after noticing a freshly built pig farm in his eatery’s parking lot.  “That’s strange,” he later told Stiles.  “A chicken coop, sure, but a pig farm?”  Stiles agreed to take on the case, especially after learning that a brand-new meat packing plant adjoined the farm.

The Consultation   

Stiles:  So, Luigi, what seems to be the problem?

Greco: My restaurant is known far and wide for the best Italian sausage there is. We buy the freshest ingredients and have our own superb recipes like Sausage a la Luigi, Luigi’s Fried Pork Sticks, Fat Ones Alfredo, and many others.

Stiles: Sounds great.

Greco:  Yes, but lately, customers have been complaining about poor quality. Plus, we haven’t received a shipment of fresh sausage in weeks and yet always seem to have plenty on hand. Worst of all, my average ticket is way, way down.

Stiles:  That does sound suspicious.  Well, let’s set up our cameras and microphones and see if we can figure out what’s going on.

Greco:  Thank you, Charles.  This is very upsetting to me.

The Sting (condensed version)

Stiles:  As you can see, Luigi, we have your whole restaurant covered, including the pig farm and plant.  Is there anyone in particular you want us to focus on?

Greco:   Yes, see that man in the kitchen?  That’s Rudolfo, our new butcher, except I don’t remember hiring a butcher and still don’t understand why we need one.

Stiles:  Well, if there’s anything shady going on, you can be sure we’ll get to the bottom of it.

Greco:  Look Charles, Rudolfo just went out the back door and is headed to the plant with…wait, what’s that, sausage casings?!

Stiles:  That’s outrageous!  They’re making their own sausage, having customers pay for their sausage meals in cash, and pocketing the money!  No wonder your receipts are down!

Greco:  Questo fa chifo! (Translation:  “That sucks!”)

The Wrap-up

When the dust finally settled, Rudolfo was fired, the executive chef placed on two-week probation, and the farm and meat-packing plant dismantled to free up more room for parking. Those pigs lucky enough to survive the illicit sausage-making scam were last seen buying tickets for a re-release of Charlotte’s Web.

Stiles:  Luigi, here’s what I don’t get.  How could you not notice a pig farm and meat-packing plant under construction, and later in full operation, right here in plain sight?!

Greco:  Because I was busy tending to my Limp Noodle?

Stiles:  Well, maybe you should start spending more time on your restaurant.