Mike the electrician hopped into his van feeling pretty good about himself. The project – wiring a customer’s hot tub – went smoothly, the customer expressed heartfelt appreciation, and all seemed right with the world.
As the owner of an electrical service company, Mike doesn’t spend a lot of time in the field anymore but always jumps in when his crew is booked solid. Besides, Gladys Dillon is a long-time customer so why miss a chance to reinforce an already strong relationship.
As was his norm, Mike nailed the job from beginning to end. After sizing it up, he gave Gladys a not-to-exceed price quote, listened to her concerns, and promised the job would be done correctly and up to or beyond code requirements. Once he finished, Mike demonstrated the results of his efforts and asked Gladys if she had any questions.
“Michael, Michael, Michael…of course I don’t have questions. Why do you think I call you, and only you, for my electrical work?”
“Gladys, you’re a gift to my company and a pleasure to serve. Call me any time.” And with that, they said their good-byes.
Waiting across a solid wall of hemlocks was Herman, Gladys’s retiree neighbor, who couldn’t help but notice the goings-on. Sharp guy, that Herman. Wears leisure suits to impress, brushes his teeth with an ice scraper, and eats tomato soup – unheated – out of the can. He’s also a devoted reader of diner paper place mats. Sometimes he even colors them.
After plowing through the social niceties and getting the low-down on Mike’s service call, Herman cut to the chase: “What did that cost you?”
“$450,” Gladys proclaimed, feeling every bit the smart, well-informed customer. “And he’s such a nice and respectful man.”
“I’d be nice and respectful too if I just robbed you of your life savings!”
Herman went on to tell Gladys about his nephew’s college roommate’s sister’s first cousin, the one who does “a little electrical work on the side” – but only when he’s not busy growing and sampling his own weed.
“Why, Teddy would have done that for half the price, probably even less! I mean sure, he’s not licensed, but I say a license is nothing more than a license to steal!”
Gladys then made love to Herman just to see if they could. Later, the two pulled up Yelp on the laptop and charged Mike and his company with a negative performance…electrically speaking. “Next time,” she concluded, I’ll be sure to hire someone who charges a reasonable amount for their services!”
“Sorry, Dad!”
Conversations that include some variation of “reasonable” take place every day and in every conceivable circumstance. Take this one between father and daughter.
“Okay, sweetie, you can go to the dance with Raymond – yes, he’s such a nice boy and comes from a good family – but we want you home at a reasonable time.”
Dad’s big mistake: he didn’t assign a time to “reasonable.” So “Sweetie” decides for herself that 2 AM is reasonable…after all, that’s when her slightly older friends are normally due home, right after the bars close.
The thing is, the dance ends at 11, so what’s the young, innocent couple supposed to do for the next three hours? Yup, they did. Raymond gets her home just for before 2 and Dad, after breathing fire and brimstone into Raymond’s face, promptly levies what Sweetie deems to be a most unreasonable punishment: grounded for four weeks!
By the way, it didn’t help that Sweetie smelled like she had been dipped in a vat of Brut aftershave.
Boat for Sale
And then there’s the two couples who go to the boat yard to check out a 40-foot “previously loved” cabin cruiser. Since the owner has moved cross-country, he wants to sell it quickly and tells his agent, Jeff, he’ll accept any reasonable offer.
Couple #1 is first to arrive on the scene, prompt as usual. While the style, size, and amenities of the boat would normally exceed their pay scale, even pre-loved, they figure “What the hell, let’s make an offer and, with any luck, we might just get it!”
“So, Jeff. We’ve seen it, taken her for a spin, and are prepared to offer you $150,000, subject to the results of a third-party inspection. Oh yeah…I don’t suppose you offer financing, do you? That sure would help a lot.”
Surprised by an offer he considers well below reasonable, Jeff would have spit coffee through his nose if he had any to spit. Instead, he collects himself and calmly lies through his teeth. After all, he’s working on straight commission.
“Well, right now we already have three offers on the table, all higher than yours.” (The truth is, couple #1, Jim and Steph, have made the first and only offer.) “Can you do any better?”
After talking things over quietly between themselves, Jim turns to Jeff and says: “Tell you what. We’ll write you a check right now for $135,000 and take the boat off your hands, as is. Just give us a couple of days to transfer the money from our retirement account before you cash it. In the meantime, would a $2,000 deposit be sufficient?”
“Seems pretty reasonable to me,” Jeff muses, especially since the damn thing is worth $115,000 at best. One of the engines is over-heating, the bilge pump has just about pumped its last, and there’s serious rot beneath the water line…problems any inspector worth his sea salt would spot in a second.
But then Jeff comes to his senses and reminds himself that he’s Super Salesman!
“Well, let me talk to my client. He was hoping to get more, but you never know. Either way, I’ll get back to you just as quick as I can.”
An hour or so later, couple #2 arrives…same deal, they get the tour, like what they see, and decide to make an offer. But first…
“So, how much are you guys asking?”
“Well, to be fair Mr. Lipschitz, we’re asking you and other interested parties to submit what you consider to be a fair and reasonable offer as there is no firm asking price.”
Louis Lipschitz talks it over with his wife, Lila, knowing this same boat would run about $750,00 new. Armed with that knowledge, they figure even if this one needs $100k or so of work, but they get it at the right price, they’ll still come out way ahead.
“Tell you what. We’ll take it off your hands right now for $219,000. Oh yeah, and if our bid is accepted, there’s an extra ten grand in it for you.”
“That sounds very reasonable, sir. Very reasonable indeed. You have yourself a deal.”
Lessons Learned
What’s the answer to the age-old question of “fair and reasonable?” There isn’t one. Unless, of course, the world suddenly were to agree on a firm definition of what that meant. In such a perfect world, no consumer would ever feel ripped off and no seller would be forced to defend their prices, provided they’re pricing was…well, you know.
Let’s see, how many things can I think of that are likely to happen first? Bears flying comes to mind. Burger King employees pretending to give a shit…never mind, they can’t even pretend. How about lightning striking upwards or ducks delivering mail? Nah, all our mail would end up South for the winter.