Stop Being a “Nice Guy”and Have More Fun!

“What a nice guy!” Be careful – it’s one of the worst things anyone could say to or about you.

Take the guy who never swears…nice. You’ll never remember him, mind you, at least until the next time he doesn’t swear in your presence. Or the gal who never talks about herself because she’s all about you.  The way I see it, she has something to hide.    

“Things” can be nice, too.  Like vanilla ice cream, Honda Accords, mini-golf by the shore, and family game night. All completely forgettable, like your neighbor’s kid’s recital.       

Even worse, “nice” isn’t just about things you do…it applies equally to things you abstain from. Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

“Thanks for closing the door behind you.”  You did in fact close the door behind you…nice of someone with no purpose in life to point it out.

But what about: “Thanks for not letting the cat out” when you arrive at a family member’s house?  They might as well thank you for not barfing on their sofa!

Cutting to the chase, you know what “nice” is? It’s a nice word. It doesn’t mean great, it doesn’t mean you suck, it just means people are still waiting for you to offend them.  In the meantime, you’re viewed as okay, better than a disease.  Or, maybe you are thought of as a disease, just not contagious.

Want to rid yourself of the “nice” appellation for good?  It’s not nearly as difficult as you might think, especially when you have me to coach you along. 

For example, restrain yourself from carrying that little old lady’s grocery bags to her car. If you can’t help yourself, proceed to plan B:  spill the contents in the trunk OR demand $5 for your trouble.  Either one is a total dick move – but,  you’ll feel much better in the morning.   

Here’s where it can get a little tricky but still worth the effort.  Your wife, of all people, refers you to as “such a nice guy” and blushes in appreciation when others agree and go on to provide examples from their own experience.  Remember:  only you can put a stop to such madness.  So suck it up and burn your wife’s toast tomorrow without apologizing, leave your wet toothbrush on the vanity, or tell her to buy her own damn feminine napkins! 

Still not convinced?  Then all I have left is tough love.

At the bar

The nice guy gets asked to house-sit the cat while the cool dude hooks up with that same chick and, guess what…they’re headed out of town for the weekend for some head-banging sex while you clean the litter box. 

At the office

Nice people plan and manage office parties. Are you one of them? Next time, look up as you arrange the napkins “just so” and light up the Sterno cans at exactly the right time. From the looks you’ll get, I promise you’ll never volunteer for party duty again.   

On the golf course

Nice guys are best known for letting a faster-moving foursome play through, wearing only golf appropriate attire and never, ever walking in front of the person lining up his putt.  Adhering to proper etiquette also signifies that you have a nice game punctuated by numerous nice shots per round.  In other words, you suck, you’re annoying everyone around you, and it’s time to pick a new hobby.    

After the Blood Drive

Don’t get me wrong…donating blood is way beyond nice.  Depending on the need, it’s darn near heroic.  But, do you really need to wear the “I Gave Blood” sticker for the rest of the day, the one you’ll no doubt add to your collection?  Forget that shit.  Wear a sling you don’t need and spend the rest of the day lying about the robbery you stopped in progress and how lucky you were to escape with only a badly sprained wrist. Suddenly, you’re a babe magnet.     

At a restaurant

You’re a server stuck with a screaming toddler and parents pretending not to notice.  Everyone else notices just fine…you can tell by the “please die” expressions focused on the kid.  But hold on a sec:  do you really want to be known as the server who says “It’s okay”to the parents  when you know it’s anything but?  Or, do you have the stones to threaten violence unless the parents crack the precious pissant’s skull wide open?!  Here’s my advice. Lose your job, save your pride, and launch the verbal attack that’s been waiting to escape your lungs for years.  And just like that, the “nice guy” curse will be gone.

A closing thought, if I may.  It usually takes years – even decades – to acquire a reputation for being nice, but only a moment to erase it.  Cleanse yourself, brothers and sisters…I’ll be looking for details of your fall from grace on the six o’clock news.